As George Carlin said, “I don’t have pet peeves, only major [email protected]#$%&g psychotic hatreds”. So, since I worship the man and even though he’s gone, I thought it would be fitting to write a little something in tribute to his remarkable sense of observation yet intentionally placed crude humour, as imitation is sincerest of flattery:
So here goes, these snippets are based on popular culture in India that I openly despise with no remorse whatsoever:
1) That pilot in the Maruti Verna ad who goes: “It was smooth, but where do we load the warheads?” First rate circus act… Where did they get these clowns from? And I cringe and remember that Tom “Maverick” Cruise & Val “Ice-Man” Kilmer are in their forties, and we haven’t moved into the New Millenium as yet. And yet the ‘Stealth’ concept won’t work here either as artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity! Bend over and I’ll show you where, f#&k-face… most of these morons fly on auto-pilot anyways… and that’s what they learn in pilot school… with all the time in the world to press and wash their uniforms… and how to keep their passengers informed of those really lame boring sightseeing announcements… well, what can you expect… the intellect’s running on auto-pilot, yessir!
2) The Karizma ad, the one with Hrithik Roshan [with that goofy suit] who gets his bike sprayed with mud by these look alike Hell’s Angels bikers… and I cringe yet again… what is this? Hrithik dressed as Mork… and the bikers seem to have borrowed their costumes [and their hairdo] from a [email protected]#$%&g theme party or restored from the wardrobe of a biker movie in the 80s… and the lyrics [the scourge of it all]… In the distance I can hear a rumble, of a million revolutions going on and as the pressure starts to crumble, I only see one way out… I can feel it coming on! Yess, my blood pressure begins to crumble… and just one more thing, no fake accents please…. haven’t we had enough? It’s embarrassing enough to have a company prefix the word ‘Hero’ with ‘Honda’… What’s next? A Carrie Ann Moss look-alike on well, a black 100-cc Ducati look-alike?
3) Another SUV ad… more nonsense… I don’t even know which company this is… Ford Endeavor, maybe… this vehicle deviates off the road on to a dirt-track to take a shortcut… what? Haven’t these [email protected]#$%&*@#$%&s seen the traffic in India… everything related to transport involves shortcuts and dirt-tracks and pure mayhem… the anti-matter of coherent commuting… a little realism please… and what’s with the subtitling of the lyrics… yes, we understand the fake accent and the dropping of the g’s that indicate English spoken in another dialect… and no, we’re not aurally or visually challenged… I’ve given up… England is my motherland! It’s time to cripple these ad agencies that dish out shit like this and permanently put them out of business… I’m glad that I telecommute!
4) Maruti SX4… this one takes the cake, the pie and really shows how these Pecos/ Mojos going [email protected]#$s… ‘creative’ giants of the ad industry in this ‘virus-culture’ who can’t really think for themselves any more… well, the ad finds a ‘macho’ son-of-a-bitch turning around and stalling a truck with his “Hummer”! Where in India do we find trucks that slick, solid or big? Just gaudy monstrosities… yes, the generic rage-against-the-machine lorries, tempos and all sorts of vehicles that severely hamper the chances of safe travelling. And the punchline: Who’s the man now… fake accent again… can’t you think of anything better than to borrow these obselete male cliches that are from another day and age [Read: the 60s clint eastwood]… and for the testosterone-driven assholes who think this is one stud of an ad, I’ve got two words for you… No Insurance!
5) Men who ride a Scooty Pep, and honk that wussy horn and then stop and glare at you as if it’s time for their tenth drive-by of the day… of course, that’s when I give them the middle finger… and grin and glare back… and ten times out of ten… they don’t have the balls to get into a fist-fight man-to-man in a rough neighborhood. Of course, a bat to the face [by one of my cronies] will result in dental complications [read: orthographic surgery] that they can do without!
6) People who are obsessed with their health and who think that by cramming all the pills [with the weirdest names, of course] in the world up your rear end will keep you alive… they have to do things at a particular time in a particular manner… the control freaks… spend most of their mortal life obsessed with perfection and getting it right and fail miserably anyways… what a joke… life by its design is unpredictable, shithead… and it’s obvious these anally retentive men/ women are prone to complaining and finding fault… run on rigid timelines, processes and can’t stop looking at their watches, clocks, hourglasses, pocket watches, the jantar mantar, the Big Ben and what not… looking for people’s flaws is the perfect alibi for your ‘faulty’ thinking… and I’m hardly masochistic! And I don’t wear a watch because I have all the time in the world and I like to take my time and ‘go with the flow’ & take my own sweet time… go figure! So, if you enjoy minutae then I beg you to start the nitpicking and break a leg or two for good luck, you’ll need it when dealing with a broken ego!
7) Women who can’t stop talking and glorify feminists, feminism and all that gibberish that is the result of man walking out on you or some horror stories that is a part of exaggerated second-hand information… I’ll sympathize and understand if you’ve been raped by a man who has herpes and has taken your left ear as a ‘scalp’… shut the [email protected]#k up… if you carry on like this… men will continue to [email protected]#k you up… because of your inability to deal with reality and a self-defeating attitude… newsflash… if you’re telling me that men are the problem… I do hope you find a dominatrix-like mother figure [obviously not in a lesbian way, of course] who’ll make your life-threatening problems with a man/men seem like ‘the good old days’!
8) Indians who go to the US for about two months [and in some cases, watch far too much American television] and think that by including keywords or keyphrases or accents that are socio-linguistic by-products of a culture alien to ours, it makes them cooler! Whatever makes you think that is so? Your intelligence and ability to communicate are badly stunted to that of a parrot, spewing out words repeatedly with no comprehension of their meaning while being completely out of sync with reality and most of all, sound really fake! Even the Sufis choose the words carefully they repeat in their music!
I don’t mind Mos Def doing his ‘thang’ but if I find one of these fakes going through the African-American routine… clothes, shoes and all… projectiles will be hurled which includes an ensemble of old unpaired shoes, stones, rocks, sticks, marbles, change that I have lying around my place and basically anything I can find just to shut this blithering imbecile up! If that is your understanding of appreciating another culture, start with yours first… Captain numbnuts!
9) Up selling at coffee shops and no smoking in public places… would you like an extra helping of cream, chocolate serving on this overpriced unhealthy coffee-machine brewed concoction that you’ve just ordered? Yes, that will add another fifty rupees to the bill leaving these morons with a fatter bank account which is just daylight robbery.
What is wrong with this bloody country? None seems to mind anymore. Kadak chai or ‘kapi’ for me… yes, the darshini types… where you can get a coffee for 6 rupees… nice and strong for a non-morning person like me… and I like it that way… money saved is money earned is what they say… and in truth, wiser words were never spoken! Non-smoking in public places… what the [email protected]#k? They’ve reduced smokers to lepers now… first they gave them their own corner & now even that’s gone… we’re not even a special interests group anymore? With all the pollution from cars, trucks, bikes and the fires of industry that burn brightly in your neighborhood that you inhale slowly and surely, a bit of second-hand smoke is hardly a threat! Fix the ozone layer as well, you bunch of hypocrites! Just because you’re scared of dying… why should I be penalized for my habits in public? Freedom. Bullshit. I’ve worked too hard for my illusions to throw them all away… if you’re worried about my bark, watch out for the bite!
10) Most Religious people [except some people who live by example]… these are the kinds who use abstract words, use weird interpretations of the holy books, and whatever philosophy they can lay their hands on to convince or brainwash you to do what they think is right! But of course, they don’t practice it themselves. First of all, at least if you’re dabbling with subjects such as this with a guy like me… my vocabulary and functional thinking skills will cut through that ego-ridden, I’m-always-right bullshit that you will bring up. And I’m rubbing my hands with glee. And you’ll understand what ‘circular reasoning’ means. What amazes me is how people put these so-called religious leaders on a pedestal and roll over and play dead… taking what they say as the ‘truth’! And sometimes I wonder whether it’s better to think for myself or follow the herd just to ‘belong’… and I think choosing for myself is the best thing of all, regardless of what people think or say… free your mind, please and look for practicality, rationale and truth in what you believe… even if you aren’t sure of your position… it’s fine to say I don’t know… just don’t take what someone says at face-value… that’s the behavior expected of children who are in love with fairytales, Santa or the Grimm brothers! And finally, if you have had a ‘personal’ experience, keep it to yourself… a lot of shit in this world is stirred up because of someone’s nosiness in another’s personal value or belief system!
And here ends the rant… ahhh… I feel much better, now that it’s off my chest!